My friends and I were recently discussing our upcoming summer break, the inevitable bikini body dread and THAT protein poster, when it dawned on me what I’d become. Because instead of sharing my dread and desperation at the best way to look as quickly as possible like Britney Spears circa 1999 (bodygoal-google it), I was offering advice. You know, being that really annoying person telling you which food you should eat, why you shouldn’t starve yourself, when you should be eating ‘good’ carbs, what type of exercise you should be doing, and even worse, where you can buy chia seed. (Chia seed is one of the latest wanky health foods). Eventually they stopped replying.
Reason being is that I’ve become one of those dreaded EXERCISE PEOPLE. Here’s five tell tale signs.
1) Walking everywhere with a protein shaker
2) Having a large bag of protein powder in car
3) Eating spinach/chia or quinoa daily
4) Spending more cash in Sports Direct than Topshop
5) Critiquing/preaching about the benefits of exercise/protein and sneering at what colleagues/friends eat/what type of exercise they do.
Today at work, Dangerous Dave from the show launched a complaint against me. It was that he felt so uncomfortable whilst making his tinned soup and 3 slices of thick white processed bread with lashings of butter (aka poison) that he had to leave the kitchen immediately because my silent judging ruined his lunch.
It all started last September when I decided to try Crossfit. I know that after immediately reading that, some of you may have rolled your eyes. Because the first rule of Crossfit is to talk non stop about Crossfit. If unaware, YOU SHOULD BE. No, sorry…ok, it’s basically a high intensity work out, incorporating weights and different exercises every single time. So each session is completely different. And fast. In my head it’s like a personal training session but with a group. Actually no, it’s a bit like PE. But more fun. And less embarrassing. Several work colleagues also joined and within days we were being avoided in the kitchen for our tedious chats about WODS, burpees, AMRAPS (As many reps as possible duh) and where in our body we were feeling pain. This wasn’t even a novelty. The initial group whittled down to just three of us who still go and we talk about it just as much, if not more. There are sometimes text sessions before bed discussing the next days work out which has just been posted online.
But look, I’m like He-Man.
The really annoying thing I’ve realised with exercise, is that you just have to do it. And do it properly. And if it’s just not your thing, it sucks. Plus if you haven’t found something you enjoy, or got into it, it really sucks, because it’s such a mammoth chore. I know that feeling. I like a bit of exercise, you know, like once a week. A short run round the park to clear my head. But now I know that hadn’t been enough. Well, not if I want to consume the 12 cupcakes I enjoyed a week. If I didn’t have to do exercise three times a week, I’d opt not to. However, I would also feel pretty flabby, pretty lethargic and generally feel, well, not…very pretty. I got into Crossfit last year, then took a month off over christmas (naturally) to make some well deserved time for cheese. After the New Year it took me SIX WEEKS to get back into it. I forced myself; but whined, found excuses, until after that time it became part of my routine and suddenly I was addicted again. Plus I bought some snazzy new trainers and kit which genuinely helps. No, I’m serious. I reckon I’m at least 5% faster.
Anything illuminous now appears in my wardrobe. I don’t know why. But I like it.
My point is, after having so much bombardment and controversy around this bikini poster and just the general onslaught of the exercise smug brigade (sorry about that), if you do want to look good in a bikini, don’t bother with these gimmicky diets on a magazine double page spread. They won’t last. I know, because I’ve tried them. I’m just so bored of the ‘post baby weight battle’, ‘bikini body battle’, ‘just ate a peanut battle’. Find something that you can enjoy and force it into your routine as your daily life, then you can be all smug, like me. And actually feel really ruddy good. With a flatter stomach. Because, the reality is (and this genuinely only dawned on me recently), if you want to be healthy and fit you are going to be exercising your entire life. I sometimes think I’m just gonna give exercise a break soon as I’ve been doing it for ages and I feel like I’ve done my bit. I really do prefer sitting on the sofa.
However, after realising during the show this week that I could now run more than 10 miles in 2 hours without dying, I just found myself signing up to a half marathon so the training, the smugness and the silent lunchtime judging is gonna step up. You have been warned.